My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
You Might Also Like
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*