Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.