My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Pikachu found the lost joint
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.