My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended