My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
![]()
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”