Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”