Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???