My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
They’re called werewolves.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.