Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*