My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.