My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
それは草
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Peace was never an option
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.