My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*