my nickname in college
You Might Also Like
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
🚲+physics = winner
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.