my nickname in college
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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.