my nickname in college
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Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.