my nickname in college
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“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
not seeing the problem
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”