Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]