My nickname in high school was “who?”
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Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
😂🖐️
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.