My nickname in high school was “who?”
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[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
In banana years, I am bread.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.