Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

new record!

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.