My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
You Might Also Like
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit