My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
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“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
In case you needed to hear it:
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food