Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.