My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
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mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts