My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
From my Mom
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot