Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

new wife guy just dropped

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall