My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.