My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
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Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I love twitter
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Cardio Made Easy
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch