My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
This story is comedy gold 😂
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
