My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
This kid is going places
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
