Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

me refusing to leave twitter

At ease

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”