Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

#JohnTravolta

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Effort made

🙀🙀🙀😹

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french