Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants