My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
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Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
“TGIM!” – My liver
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Birds & Planes.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.