My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.