My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
You Might Also Like
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
The Punning Dead.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.