My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.