Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.