My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
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I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
A bold strategy
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded