my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”