my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
when nothing goes right… go left
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.