my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.