my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.