Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…