My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
They’re on their honeymoon
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.