My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
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Great acting.. 😂
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
im 7 sauces long
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*