My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
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cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Thinking about a snail with a limp
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Coffee for people with no kids
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Worth the read.
