My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape