“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“who brought the getaway car?”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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Uber driver: ……….
Uber driver: …………
Uber driver: ………….
Uber driver: …………….
Uber driver: you have arrived
Me: 5 Stars
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids
my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
i had to discipline my pet rock
so yes i have hit rock bottom
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”