My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
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I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
💀🤣
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”