My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
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A choir of Spring onions
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
There is no “we” in pizza
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.