My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.