Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.