My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there