my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
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“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets