my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”