my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
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I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater