My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
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Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Happy Friday
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
“We will wed,” I threatened
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*