My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.