My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
