My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
