My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
2 years later
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
