Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

I falcon love using swear birds

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?