My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
#gardening
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.