My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
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Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?