My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
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Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.