My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
how much for the angry fruit?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.