Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

japanese corn

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.