Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

When you’re Kinky but poor

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile