My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
SONOFA
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people