My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
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given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
this post was so formative to me
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?