“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
You Might Also Like
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Siri: Retweet me.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 馃榾
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 馃槈
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I鈥橫 VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
how was your vacation
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?