Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.