“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
They got a point!
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”