My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
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My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.