Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.