My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
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Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”